The puzzle and the lack of solutions

Even my students have noticed. Today, instead of an actual quiz I had them give me a review of my teaching abilities. A few told me to stop thinking that they are judging me because they are not, they actually think that I am great. There is a group of students that sit near the back and chit chat most of my lecture. Occasionally, I'll say something then they giggle. Perhaps because of my anxiety, I'll ask them if they are laughing at me. The answer is always the same.

"No! You just use all these big words! You are so smart, I want to be like that! You love science and are excited!"

Sure enough, those same students told me to relax on their reviews. A few others told me the same things. 

A few weeks in professional development, I was speaking in a class discussion when some of the students started to laugh. 

Distracted, I asked, "Are you laughing at me?"

"No, we are laughing at Craig!" was the response. He happened to be texting as the rest of the class was discussing how students text during class. 

I have a terrible self-esteem. Most of the readers will be thinking, "obviously!" I'm high strung, anxious, and emotional. I am a perfectionist, extremely sensitive, and I care way too much about what other people think. 

I did not change much, after all. I thought I was doing better, but I was in a limbo. I was not living in academia. Here I am again, falling into the same traps and habits.

It's been a struggle for as long as I can remember. 

I'm just not sure how to fix it.