"The Lorax said nothing. Just gave me a glance...just gave me very sad, sad backward glance as he lifted himself by the seat of his pants. And I'll never forget the grim look on his face when he heisted himself and took leave of his place, through a hole in the smog, without leaving a trace."
I wish that I could, or that someone or something could, lift me away by the seat of my pants. Up, up, up through a hole in the clouds and back to a more comfortable place. But there are no clouds. Just the endless blue of the ozone and the heat. The thick enveloping heat. The asphalt and concrete absorbs it and spits it back it. I do not like the feeling of my feet burning through my shoes as I walk step by step across the city.
I thought I was happy but I suppose that I had deceived myself. I thought I finally knew what it was like to say with confidence and assurance that I was indeed happy. Maybe I was. But I lately I found myself teetering on the edge and then suddenly at the drop of a hat, I went plummeting down, down, down. That little pink pill is ineffective now, I guess.
I thought I was strong enough. I was deceived. I feared this place, hidden deep in my cerebral cortex. How could I have been so foolish to think that I could make it? That I was strong enough to move to a place so different and so far from everything I knew. I wasn't strong enough.
I wish I was different. I wish I was prettier, slimmer, wittier, funnier, charming, never socially awkward. I wish I was cool and normal. I wish I was not exceptionally loquacious. I wish I was less intelligent; then perhaps I would not have the capacity to ponder questions such as the origin of the Universe. I wish I was less sensitive, less emotional, and less timid. I wish I had the power to become invisible. I could just disappear at the blink of an eye and hide in plain sight.
I wish I was not me.
I left the office in tears. They poured down my freckled cheeks. Luckily there was no one around to notice.
I don't know anymore what it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me
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I hate to say it, but we have all been in your shoes. Over the course of my life there have been four or five times when I thought that I just couldn't make it. The only advice I can give you comes from an old Genesis song. You've got to get in to get out. Man up and face life. It does get better. It always gets better. Good luck at Texas. Find some friends and have a pint for me.
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