6 more days until I arrive in Minneapolis, MN. My excitement is difficult to express in words. I cannot believe that Christian is getting married. It feels unreal. While talking to my dad tonight,
"Dad, can you believe that Christian is getting MARRIED next Saturday?"
"Isn't it somethin'?," he replied.
I have been dreaming about the upcoming event all week. Last night I had a dream that I forgot my bridesmaid shoes in TX.
Am I even the same Erin that left Minnesota in July? In some ways. But I have changed a great deal. My whole life is changing at a rapid pace. My brother is getting married next week. Imaging the ceremony feels like a dream, not real. I am very happy for you. I am grateful that you asked me to be a bridesmaid and that I get to celebrate with you.
"Home is not really a place, but more a place in your head," a friend told me today.
I certainly felt that way frequently as an older child and teenager.
"You make your own home," he continued.
Indeed.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Reflections over black coffee
I recently had my feelings hurt, but my only choice is to just let it go. Sometimes it is difficult to just get over something, but I have found that in many cases, it is for the best. I stepped back and reminded myself that the bigger picture is more important. I asked myself, "will this matter in a month? In a year? In ten years?". Probably not. The offending action still hurts a little, but the upcoming event is too important for people that I care about that I just have to let it go. In the past, I would have held a grudge for a while. Months maybe. Life is too short. Oh, how far I have come.
"Blake, are you excited that are going to Minnesota in ELEVEN DAYS?!!?"
"Yea, but it is bittersweet."
"Well, I know it's only four days, but at least we are going!"
I wish we were staying longer, too. But, I will take four short days over no time at all. All this time that I have lived in Texas, I have known that a wedding in November would bring me back to the place I love. After this, uncertainty is the name of the game. I have no idea when I will make it back to Minnesota after next week. The good news is that my mom and Auntie Cheryl are coming to visit in January. And hopefully my dad and Josh will come next spring...? (Hint, hint if you are reading!)
My cousin Patrick will not be attending the upcoming nuptials. Lt Laine is Germany and will not be able to take leave from the Army. He will be missed. We wish you were coming, Lt Laine. I am serious when I say that I am coming to visit you next summer. I'll be at the Frankfurt airport next August. I'll be there.
"Blake, are you excited that are going to Minnesota in ELEVEN DAYS?!!?"
"Yea, but it is bittersweet."
"Well, I know it's only four days, but at least we are going!"
I wish we were staying longer, too. But, I will take four short days over no time at all. All this time that I have lived in Texas, I have known that a wedding in November would bring me back to the place I love. After this, uncertainty is the name of the game. I have no idea when I will make it back to Minnesota after next week. The good news is that my mom and Auntie Cheryl are coming to visit in January. And hopefully my dad and Josh will come next spring...? (Hint, hint if you are reading!)
My cousin Patrick will not be attending the upcoming nuptials. Lt Laine is Germany and will not be able to take leave from the Army. He will be missed. We wish you were coming, Lt Laine. I am serious when I say that I am coming to visit you next summer. I'll be at the Frankfurt airport next August. I'll be there.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Time
It is difficult to focus. All I think about is going to Minnesota in just two weeks. I am looking forward to seeing my parents again. The reunion with those you miss after an extended period of time is a grand moment.
The day I arrived in Minneapolis after four months in Hawaii was an unseasonably warm day in December. My phone had died and I was uncertain if Blake knew where to pick me up. I was frantic and near tears when I turned around and spotted him walking towards me smiling. It was surreal and wonderful. And it was like we were never apart.
When I arrived at my mother's house, she came out of the front door at the sight of Blake's car in the driveway. She was smiling and it was like no time had passed. When I saw my dad, the same phenomenon occurred. It was as if no time had passed. I can't wait for those moments to happen again.
I miss my parents. I miss my brothers.
Two more weeks. An interruption to madness.
The day I arrived in Minneapolis after four months in Hawaii was an unseasonably warm day in December. My phone had died and I was uncertain if Blake knew where to pick me up. I was frantic and near tears when I turned around and spotted him walking towards me smiling. It was surreal and wonderful. And it was like we were never apart.
When I arrived at my mother's house, she came out of the front door at the sight of Blake's car in the driveway. She was smiling and it was like no time had passed. When I saw my dad, the same phenomenon occurred. It was as if no time had passed. I can't wait for those moments to happen again.
I miss my parents. I miss my brothers.
Two more weeks. An interruption to madness.
Friday, October 29, 2010
The puzzle and the lack of solutions
Even my students have noticed. Today, instead of an actual quiz I had them give me a review of my teaching abilities. A few told me to stop thinking that they are judging me because they are not, they actually think that I am great. There is a group of students that sit near the back and chit chat most of my lecture. Occasionally, I'll say something then they giggle. Perhaps because of my anxiety, I'll ask them if they are laughing at me. The answer is always the same.
"No! You just use all these big words! You are so smart, I want to be like that! You love science and are excited!"
Sure enough, those same students told me to relax on their reviews. A few others told me the same things.
A few weeks in professional development, I was speaking in a class discussion when some of the students started to laugh.
Distracted, I asked, "Are you laughing at me?"
"No, we are laughing at Craig!" was the response. He happened to be texting as the rest of the class was discussing how students text during class.
I have a terrible self-esteem. Most of the readers will be thinking, "obviously!" I'm high strung, anxious, and emotional. I am a perfectionist, extremely sensitive, and I care way too much about what other people think.
I did not change much, after all. I thought I was doing better, but I was in a limbo. I was not living in academia. Here I am again, falling into the same traps and habits.
It's been a struggle for as long as I can remember.
I'm just not sure how to fix it.
"No! You just use all these big words! You are so smart, I want to be like that! You love science and are excited!"
Sure enough, those same students told me to relax on their reviews. A few others told me the same things.
A few weeks in professional development, I was speaking in a class discussion when some of the students started to laugh.
Distracted, I asked, "Are you laughing at me?"
"No, we are laughing at Craig!" was the response. He happened to be texting as the rest of the class was discussing how students text during class.
I have a terrible self-esteem. Most of the readers will be thinking, "obviously!" I'm high strung, anxious, and emotional. I am a perfectionist, extremely sensitive, and I care way too much about what other people think.
I did not change much, after all. I thought I was doing better, but I was in a limbo. I was not living in academia. Here I am again, falling into the same traps and habits.
It's been a struggle for as long as I can remember.
I'm just not sure how to fix it.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Broiled Plums with Vanilla Greek Yogurt
I want a garden and a compost pile. If the yard is large enough, perhaps we could have a few chickens. I want to have an "eco-scape" yard, one that is designed to work with nature. I would like a patch of prairie grasses and a butterfly garden. This house has to be in Minnesota, of course.
The kitchen must have a large window facing the yard above the sink. There will be bird feeders. Maybe a swing set and a playground, maybe.
I want a yard where I can plant a few trees.
And I would like a cider press.
I would like wood floors, an induction range and a dual oven. A plethora of counter space is required to accommodate all of my kitchen gadgets. When did I become so domestic?
Cooking is a joy. I find it relaxing. And healthy since I know exactly what is going into my food.
Blake gave me a wok and a fantastic vegetarian cookbook for Christmas last year. And a Carl Sagan book. What a wonderful boyfriend you are.
If we have offspring, we will probably have a menagerie, since both you and I enjoy pets, including unconventional ones.
This week, I am going to start the introduction for my thesis proposal, rough draft #1. Shrikes shrikes shrikes, it's all about you now!
On Thursday, the Killer Klowns will come from outer space. There will be homemade pizza and rice krispie treats. It's "dude night plus Erin".
My friend Sasa made me feel better about some things last night. She's good people.
MN in 3 weeks.
Life is good.
The kitchen must have a large window facing the yard above the sink. There will be bird feeders. Maybe a swing set and a playground, maybe.
I want a yard where I can plant a few trees.
And I would like a cider press.
I would like wood floors, an induction range and a dual oven. A plethora of counter space is required to accommodate all of my kitchen gadgets. When did I become so domestic?
Cooking is a joy. I find it relaxing. And healthy since I know exactly what is going into my food.
Blake gave me a wok and a fantastic vegetarian cookbook for Christmas last year. And a Carl Sagan book. What a wonderful boyfriend you are.
If we have offspring, we will probably have a menagerie, since both you and I enjoy pets, including unconventional ones.
This week, I am going to start the introduction for my thesis proposal, rough draft #1. Shrikes shrikes shrikes, it's all about you now!
On Thursday, the Killer Klowns will come from outer space. There will be homemade pizza and rice krispie treats. It's "dude night plus Erin".
My friend Sasa made me feel better about some things last night. She's good people.
MN in 3 weeks.
Life is good.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The Tale of Paul Bunyan Forest
The teenage scientist was fiery, emotional, moody, sassy, and sharp. Maybe some things never change...? Anyway, when I was a young teenager, I went with my grandparents, Auntie Marnia and her family to Northern Minnesota for a week every August. It included fishing, boating, swimming, card games, and amazing meals complements of my talented grandparents and Auntie Marina.
One year, I think it was when I was 13, Grandma, Auntie Marina, Aleksander, a very young Brennen, and I went for a day drive to Paul Bunyan Forest. This forest has one narrow dirt road in which visitors can drive to be close to nature! Or something like that. We entered the forest in the minivan in the late morning.
As we were slowly making our way through the forest, the conversation turned to wild animals.
"Grandma, what would do if a mountain lion walked in front of the van?" I asked.
"Well, I would just watch and wait for it to leave. If a mountain man, however, came walking up, I would be a little concerned. And I might have to use the van if he became feisty." she replied.
"You would run over a mountain man??" I asked.
"If he was threatening us, sure. I might have to use force."
I must have been acting like a stubborn, moody teenager, because then the conversation took an interesting turn.
"We just might have to send you out to deal with the mountain man. He'll need a female to procreate out there in the woods," Grandma said with Auntie Marina's approval.
"WHAT??!!!? You would leave me with a mountain man?!!!!?!?! TO MAKE BABIES! THAT'S GROSS! OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT!!!" I protested.
"If we needed to offer you up so he would leave us alone, yes. I'm too old and Marina already has children. You are young so you'll do," Grandma reasoned.
"You would leave your own granddaughter and niece to a mountain man!! That is so mean! I can't believe you two would do that!!!!!"
We ventured in and after sometime, we spotted an small A-frame cabin off in the forest.
"I wonder if someone still uses that cabin," Auntie Marina wondered, "there's a wood pile there, so probably."
"Erin, go check it out. We'll wait here," Grandma said.
"ARE YOU NUTS?!? You just said that you would leave me with a mountain man!" I replied.
As we continued to follow the road, the conversation drifted back and forth between the lack of animals and the mountain man. We drove through this boring forest (remember, I was 13) for what seemed like a tortuous eternity.
"We have been driving here forever. There is nothing out!" I complained.
"I think we've been driving in circles. We might be lost, Erin. That tree looks familiar," Auntie Marina said.
Grandma and Auntie Marina start laughing.
"Heh, heh, heh, heh, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
A logger truck appeared from nowhere and there was almost a collision. I imagine that the truck driver was just as surprised as Grandma and Auntie Marina.
This story is one of those classic family tales that is told at holidays, or any large family gathering. The sound of Grandma and Auntie Marina's giggles turning to screams will never escape my memory.
One year, I think it was when I was 13, Grandma, Auntie Marina, Aleksander, a very young Brennen, and I went for a day drive to Paul Bunyan Forest. This forest has one narrow dirt road in which visitors can drive to be close to nature! Or something like that. We entered the forest in the minivan in the late morning.
As we were slowly making our way through the forest, the conversation turned to wild animals.
"Grandma, what would do if a mountain lion walked in front of the van?" I asked.
"Well, I would just watch and wait for it to leave. If a mountain man, however, came walking up, I would be a little concerned. And I might have to use the van if he became feisty." she replied.
"You would run over a mountain man??" I asked.
"If he was threatening us, sure. I might have to use force."
I must have been acting like a stubborn, moody teenager, because then the conversation took an interesting turn.
"We just might have to send you out to deal with the mountain man. He'll need a female to procreate out there in the woods," Grandma said with Auntie Marina's approval.
"WHAT??!!!? You would leave me with a mountain man?!!!!?!?! TO MAKE BABIES! THAT'S GROSS! OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT!!!" I protested.
"If we needed to offer you up so he would leave us alone, yes. I'm too old and Marina already has children. You are young so you'll do," Grandma reasoned.
"You would leave your own granddaughter and niece to a mountain man!! That is so mean! I can't believe you two would do that!!!!!"
We ventured in and after sometime, we spotted an small A-frame cabin off in the forest.
"I wonder if someone still uses that cabin," Auntie Marina wondered, "there's a wood pile there, so probably."
"Erin, go check it out. We'll wait here," Grandma said.
"ARE YOU NUTS?!? You just said that you would leave me with a mountain man!" I replied.
As we continued to follow the road, the conversation drifted back and forth between the lack of animals and the mountain man. We drove through this boring forest (remember, I was 13) for what seemed like a tortuous eternity.
"We have been driving here forever. There is nothing out!" I complained.
"I think we've been driving in circles. We might be lost, Erin. That tree looks familiar," Auntie Marina said.
Grandma and Auntie Marina start laughing.
"Heh, heh, heh, heh, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
A logger truck appeared from nowhere and there was almost a collision. I imagine that the truck driver was just as surprised as Grandma and Auntie Marina.
This story is one of those classic family tales that is told at holidays, or any large family gathering. The sound of Grandma and Auntie Marina's giggles turning to screams will never escape my memory.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Well said, GC
"There's a larger story here, namely the abandonment of truth and detachment from reality of a large segment of the American population. On climate change, evolution, WMD in Iraq, healthcare and a host of other issues the common denominator is that a large number of people prefer to believe what makes them feel good in preference to evidence, facts, expertise and best practice.
Coupled with the structural dysfunction of the American system of government these ignorant people and their media and political representatives are capable of blocking any effective change or adaptation to the new, global, technological world of the 21st century.
And so America crumbles.
Today in America truth is in retreat and darkness is spreading."
Comment on an article in the NY Times about the Tea Party and global warming
Coupled with the structural dysfunction of the American system of government these ignorant people and their media and political representatives are capable of blocking any effective change or adaptation to the new, global, technological world of the 21st century.
And so America crumbles.
Today in America truth is in retreat and darkness is spreading."
Comment on an article in the NY Times about the Tea Party and global warming
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