We are closer

There was a time, not so long ago, when I had incredibly sour familial relationships. Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I fought bitterly with my younger brother. With a fierce independence, I frequently challenged my parents on what was best for me. As I grew and began college, I changed drastically. My thoughts, beliefs, interests, and values changed dramatically as I learned more about myself and the world. As everyone knows, I became quite passionate about science, the environment, and conservation. I became a vegetarian and later a "flexitarian" where I sparingly eat humanely and eco-consciously raised chicken and beef and sustainably harvested seafood. I also lost my faith in any sort of deity. I became a naturalist who believes in no god or gods and no heaven nor hell. I strongly advocate biological evolution and the respect for all living creatures. I am the one who uses cloth grocery bags, compact-fluorescent light bulbs, and plant-based cleaners. I actively compost, buy organic produce and shade-grown coffee. I found myself with pet rats. My idea of a great day is spending it outdoors watching for wildlife. I also found myself to be a passionate liberal.

All of these things were foreign to my non-scientist and church-going family members. They had known me all of my life and I became a person who was incredibly different than everyone else. I became the odd one out. According to them, all I could ever talk about were "controversial" topics. I considered those topics important and interesting, anything but controversial. As time went by, I found it more and more difficult to fit in with the same people who raised me and who I had known my entire life. My mother once asked me why I could not be normal.

I was angry. I wish they could understand. I wish they felt the same way as I do. Why DON'T they care about the state of the planet and our resources? I had a severe argument with my brother's finance one spring and I purposely let that relationship fall apart. I had (and continue to have) numerous arguments with many family members about my lack of belief in a god. I felt so bitter that I wanted nothing more than to cut most of them out of my life. I told my mom that I refused to attend my brother's wedding. I stopped referring to them as my family. I called them "those who I am genetically related to". I was exhausted from the fighting and the bitterness. I had to do something differently.

With the help of a wonderful therapist and a daily dose of Paxil, I learned to start letting the anger go. My relationships with my parents began to improve as I started managing my stress better. I learned to be more patient and empathic towards those who have different values and opinions than me. I forgave one aunt for something that I had been holding against her for about 2 years. I still disagree with some family members, but I learned to embrace our shared interests instead of focusing on our differences. I could go on for a while, but the moral of the story is that I am finally happy. I still have bad days and I still wish I could change the behavior of my more wasteful relatives. We will not always agree, but I learned that we can still have good relationships. Life is just too short to fight constantly.

With all of that said, I am really going to miss them when I move to Texas. I wish I could spend more time with my many cousins. I feel lucky to have become closer to my cousin Nathan and to have repaired my relationship with his mother.

I remember when I was younger and I despised my younger brother, Josh. He was annoying, relentless and he always seemed to get his way. Everyone told me that someday, we would be the best of friends. I scoffed at those comments. I am happy to say that I think that day has finally come. I am so proud of Josh.

I will miss you.

The anniversary of my birth

It is the eve of my 23rd birthday. On the day of my birth, I wonder what sorts of thoughts were running through my parents' brains. They thought another son would arrive through my mother's uterus. Instead, they received an infant with a head full of thick, dark hair and all of the necessary female anatomy. I was a terrible baby (as I am told). It was not entirely my fault; at age three my parents discovered that I had epilepsy which robbed me of sleep. After many sleepless nights for my parents, I grew into a sassy and stubborn child. My parents divorced and I started my education. I was the child that was reprimanded for talking even in kindergarten. I spent all of my summers in a bathing suit enjoying the backyard pool.

That stubborn child grew into an even more stubborn teenager. I became an incredibly independent, meticulous, fiery, strong-willed perfectionist. The early teen years were incredibly awkward. I was dubbed "big red" by my malicious step-brother which sent me into 13-year-old meltdown in the middle of my father's driveway. I found myself in a fist fight once after being called a "fat dyke". Most of the time, I was (still am) a rule-follower. I was also known to stay out until 4 or 5 AM the summer I turned 18. I survived those sometimes nasty teen years. Somewhere during the next five years after 18, that teenager turned into an adult.

Through the last five years, I wanted to be a neuroscientist, a physician, an environmental lawyer, and a veterinarian. I spent four months in Hawai'i, traveled to Ecuador and the Galapagos Islands, spent a month in Thailand studying tiger conservation, volunteered at many organizations, rehabilitated wild mammals, and enjoyed pet rats. I made great friends and found a great love. I spent a summer collecting data for an assessment of the earthworm invasion along Lake Superior. I became a passionate conservationist and a lover of all living organisms. I found that biology was my calling, specifically ecology. I became a non-believer and a strong advocate for evolution. I found myself swinging to the left side of the political spectrum. After 23 years on Earth, I am proud of the person I have become and the person I will continue to be.

I have been very lucky, indeed.

Morning excitement

Gus, aka Jaba the Gus, enjoys patrolling the backyard. Usually she stays by the house and eats grass but today she decided to run at full speed towards the woods. About an hour later, she pranced towards the house with something dangling from her mouth. As she entered through the back door, I realized it was a chipmunk! The overweight feline lacking front claws managed to catch a rodent! Luckily for the chipmunk, Gus did not bite him or her. She dropped it in the house and it ran all over the living room before it found the door. Meanwhile, the three dogs were sprawled on the couch in a deep canine sleep.

When the air becomes saturated

The unusual spring in Minnesota continues. The surprises do not stop. It reached about 90 F yesterday. The air was hot, sticky, and heavy. The squirrels had retreated to their nests and the only birds that visited the yard were a few stray robins and crows. It is amusing how the behavior of people changes in the muggy heat. I feel sluggish when the air is sticky. Yesterday, work was miserable. I was assigned to dishwasher, a job I really do not mind most days, so I had the pleasure of standing next to a large dish machine using water at 175 F all day. The kitchen was even hotter than the dishroom. Many of the female employees (myself included) had wild and frizzy hair. When I went upstairs to the memory care unit, most of the residents were wearing sweaters. They were sitting as comfortable as can be while beads of sweat formed on my face. I think it is the heat, but the residents in the memory care unit were loopy and ornery, more than usual I mean.

First, there is a resident who talks to herself the entire time she is in the dining room. Lately, she has been very upset and crying about leaving. Yesterday, she was playing with her fork and repeated "isn't it cute?" followed by giggles.

Then there is another resident who frequently yells obscenities and taunts her table mates. Breakfast today went as follows"

"I HAVE TO POOP! I HAVE TO POOP!" yells the resident at a very loud volume.

My coworker and I share a few subtle laughs when she repeats,

"I HAVE TO POOP!!! TAKE ME! I HAVE TO POOP!"

She continued for a minute or two until I finally said to the nursing staff, "Please take her to the bathroom, she is being disruptive."

One of the male residents firmly believes that behind the doors at the far end of the dining room hold a secret bathroom that we will not let him use. He bangs at the door and wanders around the dining room muttering about the secret bathroom. In reality, there is a hallway to the another wing in the building.

Another resident tells the nursing staff she hates them at breakfast and then loves them at lunch. She told me today that she was going to be kicked out and thrown to wolves outside.

Lesson of the last two days at work, take care of myself now and do whatever it is I can to prevent dementia.

Sweet Minnesota Spring

This has been a fantastic spring in Minnesota. Not a single snow flake fell in March and with the exception of the few hours of light flakes in May (yes May), it has been just beautiful. There has been plenty of rain and the outside world is teeming with life. This is the best time of the year.

I absolutely adore the backyard at the house in Cambridge. My aunt and uncle live in the city limits tucked away in a lovely little neighborhood that consists of one block of precious two-story homes. The backyard is heavily wooded and even has a gigantic sink hole that is deeper than it was last fall. The best part? All of the wildlife. I do not have to leave the backyard to go birding. So far, I have seen or heard the following birds:

Canada Goose
Mallard
Ring-necked Pheasant
Ruffed Grouse
Wild Turkey
Great Blue Heron
Cooper's Hawk
Northern Harrier
Barred Owl
Pileated Woodpecker
Hairy Woodpecker
Downy Woodpecker
Red-bellied Woodpecker
Eastern Phoebe
Eastern Wood Pewee
Cedar Waxwing
White-breasted Nuthatch
Black-capped Chickadee
American Crow
Blue Jay
Ovenbird
Nashville Warbler
Yellow Warbler
Northern Parula
Red-winged Black Bird
Chipping Sparrow
Northern Cardinal
American Goldfinch

There are many other species that I have yet to identify since I have only heard and not seen them. We also have plenty of white-tailed deer and coyotes. In addition, I have seen meadow voles scamper quickly through the grass. There is also a plethora of Eastern grey squirrels due to the heavy covering of oak trees. The first batch of young squirrels have emerged from the nests and are darting around the backyard. Yesterday, I spotted a male ring-necked pheasant showing off for a lady pheasant near the field down the road. Around dust, the nightly chorus of amphibians echos through the neighborhood from the pond tucked deep in the undeveloped patches of woods nearby. I'm sure there are other creatures in the woods including striped skunks, porcupines, and many forest rodents. I have heard that black bears follow the Rum River down and occasionally make a cameo around the area. This is the type of yard I need someday.

Tribute to two very special Rattus norvegicus

Once upon a November, after agreeing to bag up my roommate's dead (and under warranty) goldfish, I found myself wandering through the pet store. I had planned to glance at the hamsters and gerbils for a bit. When I arrived at the small mammals section, some other creatures caught my attention. "Fancy Rat" the sign read. They were very small things, dashing around and grooming each other. I remembered that I wanted a pet rat when I was a kid but my mother gasped in disgust every time I asked for one. Now a junior in college, I decided that I wanted a pet rat. Three days later, Blake and I ventured back to Petsmart. After filling a cart with food, toys, a cage, bedding, rat furniture, and treats, it was time to pick out the rodent that would become my companion. The attendant picked up an albino one and it peed all over my hands.

"Hmmm, not this one," I said. Then the attendant lifted up the rat house. All of the rats scattered except for one. She was white with a black stripe down her back and bandit mask markings on her face. I pointed to her and the attendant placed her on my shoulder. She did not try to run away. She was curious about me.

"Well, she seems comfortable. I think this is the one!" exclaimed the attendant. I agreed. At the check out, Blake asked me what I planned on calling her.

"I have poor pet-naming skills. If it was a boy, I would just name it something simple like Max."

Lightbulb turns on.

"I could call her Maxine!!!!"

I taught her to respond to her name. If I said "kisses", she would give me a kiss. A few months later, I brought home a companion for Maxine. I called her Moo Moo. They groomed and chased each other. They cuddled up together in their hammock and in their pink igloo. Last December, I put Moo Moo to rest after the rapid growth of multiple mammary tumors. After 2 3/4 years of life, Maxine's kidneys failed today. I buried her under a white pine tree.

Goodbye, my good friend.

Rise and Shine

Good morning. I am awake at this early hour as usual. My job at the nursing home requires me to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 5:30 or 6:30 AM, depending on the job I am assigned to for the day. The consequence? I wake up around 6 on my days off. I slept until 6:45 today. Impressive. I wish I could sleep in, but I have a rhythm. Asleep around 10 or 11 PM and up in between 5 and 7 AM. Sigh. Will I ever sleep in again? I am a soon-to-be graduate student and budding ornithologist, so I can safely say that my days of sleeping in are probably over forever. The early bird catches the worm, I guess.

The home has been eventful. It is always interesting at that place. Yesterday I was assigned to the "Trays" job. There are different positions in the kitchen and everyone is assigned to one each day. For example, there are the cooks, the baker, the dishwasher, day dining room servers, etc. You can find me as the dishwasher, trays person (my favorite!), day dining room 1 and 2, or the pots scrubber. I love when I am assigned to trays, I work 5:30- 1:30, I do not have to take orders, no dishroom, and I get to dish out the food. The trays person has the pleasure (or is it the horror...?) of serving meals in the Memory Care wing. Yesterday we had a resident run away from the nurses.

"I have to leave!!!!!! I want to see my daughter!!! LET ME OUT OF THIS AWFUL PLACE!!!!" wails the resident as she briskly walks out of the dining room.

Sometimes the certain residents will wail and cry, state that he or she is leaving. The inevitable stares me in the face every day. Sometimes I wish the fountain of youth actually existed.